There are times that life shows only Darkness
But Darkness is nothing more than the absence of Light
It is this Light that gives your existence a Soul
Are you how I used to be? Not knowing how to show your true being… afraid to ‘look’ further because you have a ‘dark’ filter before your eyes… a blind person who does not know how to live without an ignorant, short headed mind? Shouting against divine beings about blood and sacrifice… and calling on devilish names just because you think this is who you are? Do you feel happy? Then go on with your life… if not… maybe my story is something you would like to read-
*HE: The elements this day shall go to war
Me: Is the earth moving to something new-
-a fear to bind the few?
HE: Light will be haunted by darkness
Me: If light fails will darkness lead my way-
-so shadows rule my day?
HE: The sound of dead silence becomes your voice
Me: Is it only demons that can undermine my sin-
-so there be nothing left to win?
HE: The defeat of light will set things right and evil reigns *
Poetry: a part of my life in reading and writing. A great way of showing your feelings, dreams, hopes, fears and daily pursuits. I think one of the reasons why I did (and still do but now for other reasons) had to do with the simple fact that I did not know any other way to show my inner self. I was not worthy- and well who has interest in me? An image which was grounded from childhood through adolescent into woman. Caused by one person who thought he was allowed to abuse me for his perverted needs. And by this I was not only hurt physical but also mental and spiritual. I withdraw myself into my own world. A world in which one day I started to talk with ‘him’. My Dark Prince, My Patron… My protector…
Hear the silence of my eternal beating heart
See the moon that circles my forever-dark soul
Be silent when my beloved devil speaks to me
My black patron brings me no fear
a darkened voice whispers beside me
only ecstasy, simple-pure and clear
an unending, orgasmic high comes free
immortality my sacrifice YOUR TRUST
this song of darkness in full moonlight
your shadows hiding my unholy lust
As I grew older the occult way of life roamed and yes because I did not know any better the dark side. I came in contact with other people who were just like me… I became part of a group… felt stronger by this.
I ‘became’ someone; I developed myself more and more, using magick and rituals, very dark ones. Rituals that dark that if I describe them they bring me shame. One thing I will make clear right away: I did never hurt other human beings or animals! If I used blood it was my own…
I was out for a drink and having fun. It was a good night: nice people, dancing and there was a clown who was playing magic tricks on me and that is funny after a few drinks. I had to go to the ladies room and there an elderly strange looking woman was waiting for me -this I felt- She looks at me and says:
"You are such a beautiful woman, a good person surrounded by bright red colors but you are constantly being followed by a very dominant muscular man, wearing a black cape and sitting on a spirit black horse; I can see he's handsome although I can only see his fiery black eyes. He is not leaving your side... what is it that you fear?"
-I do not feel any Fear-
"But he is Darkness"
-I feel protected by him, darkness gives me shelter; he is my black patron-
She than gave me a look of despair and walked away. I had not seen here before and I did not see her after this incident.
Because my studious nature and interest I read more and more and I came to know who my ‘Patron’ was. I called on ‘him’… when I did this a feeling like a strap around my chest was there, real tight… oppressive but now I knew: Baruchiel.
Life went on…..
Then things started to change, I became aware of something else inside of me, I started to ask questions about the ‘world’ I was in.
Questions - searching - hoping for a clue
Will there be an answer before I explode?
Is it so wrong… trusting the dark ones I do?
One day I was searching the web… all different occult sites… and came across Puzuzu’s… saw he had a MySpace profile, as I, and send him a friend’s request. Time passed and questions grew…
I don’t remember how much time there was between my request and an answer but suddenly it was there and Puzuzu and I started talking.
By time, letters and talks I became aware of ‘beauty’ inside of me.
I am not just ‘Dark’… it was shown by my way of ‘talking’, writing, painting, drawing and my eyes started to open, the ‘filter’ tore…
Little step by little step Puzuzu guided me and gave me advise.
This lead to Archangel Michaël and he came into my life.
I was starting to feel better, seeing beauty… my eyes saw different…
It was also confusing because Baruchiel was still around…
I’ve conjured Baruchiel in the Black Mirror of the Triangle of Solomon.
He said he serves Harab Serapel … which means “Burning Ravens of God“. That explains why he wears all Black. His sphere is Venus, the Harab Serapel are “Ravens of Death” who even reject their own kind. They are from the out form of this sphere which is Theumiel which means the “Foul Substance of God”. Their God is Baal who is the Lord of Darkness.
I asked him if he was ‘bad’ and if he would stay eventhough I wanted to travel the path of Light, he answered: ‘Yes but not without the dark…pronounce my name different and it won’t be that bad at all’
This offcourse brought doubt again… what did he mean? Why did he not give me a straight yes or no? Was he good for me after all…could he stay eventhough I wanted my whole being into the Light??????????
I called on Michaël every day, asking for his protection and guidance.
I felt him…I asked him about Baruchiel…
And Baruchiel came and tried to choke me…
This was all I needed to know
At the 6th of November 2009 I talked to Michaël ‘directly’ with the help of Psychic Lea Chapin. I had several questions. One of the things I asked him was what Baruchiel meant by pronouncing his name different.
Michaël answered that this was only a trick trying to fool me and keep darkness inside of me.
I do know now that dark spirits never give straight answers… they try to fool you by tricking you around so you will stay their host.
He told me that I was a beautiful and powerful woman. That my roots have a very old start… that I am here now but that I was before. A highpriestess and that it is my job to bring light to others.
That I have to do this by using numbers and stones. My bond with Puzuzu was and will be and we are the same origin. He said that he was going to wrap his wings around me for the next 48 days to fulfil my ‘surgery’.
The number 48...
It's Product of 4 x 12, this expresses the development of the mutual relations in the nature and as product of 7 x 8, it shows the holiness found in the payment of Karma.
Days are going by and I change. It is not that this goes for every day but
it is more a constant development...I think the best way to describe it is that I feel 'lifted'...as if I'm a bit above 'the rest': like my vision is ‘wider’.
I burned all the books which contained bad Dark Rituals.
Darkness is gone…Light…I feel it in every part of my existence… and it will grow…
Letter to MichaëlTiny sparklin' droplets of tears start spanking my heart; not because of grief... but as relief; Go on inject me with your overwhelming power; It took sometime but finally I've found the strength to open the door to let you in; Darkness was lingering only inside as a metaphor for fear;
Days passed-months passed-and so did years;
Sacrificed my own desires and dreams; Believing that only that Dark one listened to my screams; O how wrong I was...; I cannot describe the feeling that brought lump in my throat; I tried to swallow but then it choked me...it made me gasp for breath, drowning...afraid; This illusion only I could see... I could not leave... I thought...; Over the cliff into the Abyss; Be thrown into the deep depths; But no...something decided different; It started with writing; then the sound of his voice; It felt like knowing; I glimpsed at his face, as I had known him well a thousand years; A million fireflies wink at me; Music warms me up...stars dangle down... shivers...; The thought of his fingers caressing the curving of my breasts; How special...; And within’ sacred moments like this the magic man raised his head and spoke: "Open your eyes"; Veiled visions showing what I already knew as true all alone; My true self who I pushed away for so long whispers "Come with me, let me help, I'll set you free"; Now I sit in my only self; I AM IN MY TRUE BEING; Again I'm standing at the edge; But this time I won't fall; I go up...floating; Dreaming the sunshine and morning dues; You've wrapped your wings around me to cocoon me inside your safe embrace...